Looooong post.

I know I always think a lot, but nowadays the wheels in my head are seriously going into overdrive. Before my thoughts fade away from my mind into some place far away, I shall pen them down. So read only if you have plenty of time. I can be pretty long-winded, so Kudos to you if you manage to read it all, because even I found it tiring to edit what I've written. ^_^


SACRIFICE

It is our nature to be self-centred, because nature has taught us that to survive, we have to look out for ourselves. No one else can do that for you - survival of the fittest.

However, we, being humans, possess certain qualities in us, like conscience and love. They allow us to overcome what nature has integrated in us, to learn what few or no other creatures understand - sacrifice. However, few of us are able to fully comprehend the meaning of sacrifice, not because we lack conscience, or love, but because we are relatively sheltered, and have yet to be put in situations where the decision between saving yourself and saving others has to be made.

Of course, it doesn't mean that one has to make huge sacrifices everyday - just simple things. It can be waking up early to buy breakfast for your family. I know for sure that is something I have not done for as long as I can remember. It can simply be spending hours folding stars for a friend's birthday even though you have a deadline to meet the next day, just because you want to see her face light up with surprise. It can also be walking home for weeks and months, under the sun's rays and even thunderstorms, just because you are trying to save up some dough.

Small sacrifices, that really mean a lot. How often do we make such sacrifices? Most of us do it for loved ones, because the love we feel for them makes the sacrifices worthy.

How about doing it for someone you dislike, or even hate? That is another thing altogether. Such sacrifices are, no doubt, rare. But these sacrifices are the ones that rise above those made for the sake of love. Perhaps, instead of continually making big sacrifices for the ones we love, we can do much more by making little sacrifices for those whom we hate. It doesn't have to be a lot, and it doesn't have to be made known either. To sacrifice is to give up, without expecting anything in return. After waiting for a late friend or preparing for a buddy' birthday, our returns are the deepening of friendships and the lovely feeling that you have touched someone's heart. Silent sacrifice, especially for one whom you feel no love for, ranks amongst the top of the greatest things in life, I guess.

How many of us have done that? Yup, neither have I. Perhaps the question of whether any one of us CAN do that is something to ponder about.


RELIGION

Christianity has been a part of my life for many years. Not because I am a christian, but because there have been many friends around me who are. I have been to church on several occasions, and have come very close, several times, to converting too.

I remember how christian friends go out of their way to talk to me and pray for me. I remember feeling touched whenever Boonie (yes, that's you Boon) talks to me about Christianity or tries time and again to get me to go for church. I listen to the words of this ex-non-believer, asking him the questions that he used to ask himself too. I see the change in him, the almost magical transformation of his views, and his unwavering trust in God. Christopher too. I remember how he'll sit next to me and we'll argue throughout the day during lessons and all, giving throbbing headaches to those around us. Me, the stubborn non-believer, and him, the smart-alecky follower of Christ (Yup, Christopher means follower of Christ.). Kelvin, too. Trips to church and long talks about YHWH (that's God) and my doubts on Christianity.

The closest I ever got to converting was probably with Kelvin, when, after a service, a friend of his and himself began praying for me. We stood in a circle, with our arms around each other, and they began praying. They asked God to help me in my journey of seeking. Seeking for Him, seeking for faith, seeking for the day when I will be willing to put my doubts behind me, and my hands in His.

My eyes welled up then, but there were no tears. Just like during my Grandpa's funeral. At the point of incineration, many others were weeping. My eyes welled up with tears, but I shedded none. Why? Because I did not know him well enough. I see him once a year, and only for the sake of tradition during Chinese New Year. He might well have been a complete stranger to me. I felt detached, and when I see my relatives, those who know and love him, weeping, I know that I do not even have the right to cry. So all I did instead was to wish him a silent goodbye. And yes. God is even more of a stranger to me than him. I don't even get the luxury of seeing him once a year like I did with my Grandpa. When others tear for God, it is because they know and love him. Do I? Maybe not. Yet. But at the moment when my friends had their arms around me and were praying with all their hearts for me, I had a taste of how strong their love for God is. Friends like these are the one who I'm sure will eventually lead me into the arms of God. For now he remains as a stranger, because although through reading the Bible and through asking many questions, I know more about God, I don't get to know God himself.

And everyday I see Christians all around me who are christians only on Sunday mornings. I hardly even knew that they are christians. Even after realising that they are, after some months, I can even forget that they are. Like many Christians, they pray to God only when suffering or in sorrow. They have given up spreading His word too, because people like me just refuse to listen. And hence, they live their lives as a Christian in name, but not at heart. and I feel fear in me, because I know that I am likely to turn out the same way.

I read the stories of yesterday, when Christians kill other people in the name of religion. I read the papers of today, and see Christians killing themselves just because they reach to God in different ways. I see free-thinkers cringing at Christians when they start preaching and evangelising, and their indifference towards Christianity eventually becomes disgust. During these moments, I fail to understand. And perhaps, I do not want to understand. but I know, certainly, that they form a part of the wall that is separating me from God.


LOVE

Love is everywhere. Or so we thought. Love is sung, danced, celebrated in every language and culture. It has perhaps even become a cliché. It is in our nature to love. We love our family, (Yes you do. Stop shaking your head just because your dad yelled at you yesterday or something.) we love our friends. And by nature, we seek a different type of love too - he universal love that unites 2 creatures (minus all those creatures like amoeba and bacteria) together, satisfying our desire to reproduce. Humans, however. are probably the only ones who love for the sake of loving. There are countless couples who are married without any desire to have children. There are many more who contend with being single and dying single. Others spend their lives 'trial-and-erroring' without a blink of an eye. The meaning of love seems to have been degraded and diminished. Love is no longer a focus - it has become, in the eyes of many, just a supporting pillar for things that are superficial - our ego. Loving and being loved has lost its meaning - projecting an image of being desirable and indifferent towards love has taken its place. Of course, there still remains true love in this world, for there are many many loving couples who truely stay with each other till the release of their last breath, and even after, leave behind a loving presence which stays with the other till he or she, too, leaves the world. Well, let me pray that I can have a part in this group of people.


There are still many things on my mind that I have yet to pen down, like animal abuse and war. But I think if I continue I'll probably die of typing. So that's my 2 cent's worth on random stuff... Boy am I drained! I shall go take a looong rest now. ^_^